Today in Rape Culture

[Trigger warning for sexual assault; rape culture.]

I'm no Professional Advice Columnist, but I'm pretty sure that telling someone to spend more time with and try to understand the emotional motivations of a "friend" who had sexually assaulted them more than once is terrible, terrible advice.

Also: I suspect, though I could be wrong, that if the letter-writer had been a woman whose platonic male friend had twice masturbated in bed with her, while staring at her and touching her while she slept, instead of a gay male whose platonic male friend did the same, male Professional Advice Columnist Cary Tennis might not have been quite so quick to encourage her to try to see things from his perspective.

One of the things about the rape culture is that it depends on men feeling, and being told, that it was nothing of any consequence when they are sexually violated, surely not a sexual violation, because that's something that happens to women, and eww no one wants to be like them.

Men, of course, are sexually violated, and, when they are, they shouldn't be admonished to pretend they weren't, or to get over it, or to (FOR FUCK'S SAKE) "meet with him and have a frank talk. You might begin by saying that you care deeply about him but there are some things he has done that you find hard to accept. Maybe he can tell you something about what's been going on in his life, things that he has not mentioned, things that don't make him look good, things that will help you understand why he did the things he did."

Yiiiiiiiiiiikes.

I also suspect, though I could again be wrong, that if the letter-writer had been a straight man whose platonic male friend had twice masturbated in bed with him, he wouldn't be exhorted to talk to his friend "about the emotional needs that are driving his behavior."

Because the letter-writer is a gay man, and because of our cultural expectations that gay men share the nurturing qualities and emotional capacity we assign to women, he seems to get the worst advice of all: Pretend you weren't sexually violated in a heinous betrayal of your friendship, because you are a man, but give your predatory friend the benefit of your understanding and compassion, because you are a gay man.

So much yuck, Cary Tennis. SO MUCH!